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Sgt Mattie.

The Late Late Show


Pat is proud to support
Power 4 Good Ireland
5th Nov 2016

If I Only Knew Then

The escapade with Matilda Green came to an end peacefully and without incident

I didn’t have to send for the cavalry. The woman got distracted another man caught her eye and off she went with her bike and her persistence in search of his attention and good favour .
Normally a man in my position would be distraught at having his eye wiped but I was the most relieved male on the planet after I discovered quite suddenly that the female orbiting my solar system had found another orbit .
Once again I was free to cycle the highways and byways in peace I could go to Tom Walshes without having to face the prospect of finding her perched on a high stool ahead of me. I could enter my own house through my own back door safe in the knowledge that she wouldnt be ensconced in my kitchen ingratiating herself with the woman she soon hoped would be her mother–inlaw.
I had my suspicions at the beginning the Mother wasnt totally against the idea of my throwing in my lot with the bould Matilda but as things progressed I think she grew increasingly cool about the idea .
Anyway as I said I was not only relieved when Matilda turned her sights on another quarry but was delighted and overjoyed beyond belief when I saw that the latest object of her affections is none other than that useless hoor of a colleague of mine Percy Pipplemoth Davis Theyre welcome to one another.
The lads in the pub were among the first to notice that there was a change in my romantic fortunes .
Begod youre like a man thats had a weight lifted off him Cantillon said for the last few weeks you were walkin around the place as if you had the Magillycuddyreeks sittin on your shoulders.
Twas more like Slievenamon says Cantwell it was the Mountain of the Women that was restin on his poor auld back.
Never in the history of romance did a jilted man recover from the jolt as rapidly as you did Maurice says Tom Walshe.
Oh lads says I the sweet smell of freedom is filling my nostrils and Im savouring every whiff of it.
Are you not upset that she dropped you in favour of your nemesis your sworn enemy says Quirke.
Whos that says I
One Percy Pipplemoth Davis
Thats right says Tom Walshe I heard her waxing lyrical about her new man and how the two of them are made for each other If I remember correctly she said theyre emotionally and intellectually compatible and their relationship is a great meeting of minds.
Did you ever hear such shite says I. That meeting is a meeting of notions there isnt a space big enough in the parish for them and their notions of themselves . Mark my words that affair will end in high drama Gone with the Wind wont be a patch on it.
Ah now says Cantillon I wouldnt be too sure about that. A beautiful relationship like that could last the test of time Indeed with a strong woman behind him Percy could become a force to be reckoned with in the political and cultural life of South Tipperary.
She could be another Hillary Clinton says Cantwell she might end up sittin beside Percy in the council chamber.
Maurice you might be seein a lot more of Matilda than you thought says Quirke.
As long as Im not looking at her every mornin across at the other side of the scratcher I dont mind says I.
Maurice says Quirke youve escaped a long time I reckon time is running out.
Im not worried about the time running out says I as long as my luck doesnt run out too.
You could be caught yet says Tom Walshe it happens the best of us
Thankfully the topic of conversation changed that was until Superquinn walked in
Begod Maurice I hear you missed the boat again says she
What do you mean I asked
One Ms Matilda Green I believe you were the apple of her eye until Percy turned on the charm says she
That miserable hoor rarely does me a favour says I but this time he did me a big one
And he didnt do himself any harm in the process says she. It seems Ms Green has at least three houses in Dublin one in Kildare one here in Costa Del Killdicken and another in Costa Del Sol. I met the happy pair in Clonmel with the sunglasses on top of their heads and two of them the picture of wealth health and contentment off to the pad in Marbella for two weeks.
That wont bother Maurice said Quirke hes off to Lisnapookybawna with the Mother for the weekend theyll be whitewashin auld cowhouse Who needs a pad in Marbella.