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Sgt Mattie.

The Late Late Show


Pat is proud to support
Power 4 Good Ireland
22nd Oct 2016

Enemy In The Camp

Matilda Green the woman with her heart set on me is coming at me from all angles.

I have successfully avoided her now for more than a week having taken a few days off from the depot and my usual cycling route she just couldnt bump into me on the road as she is wont to do. Every day on my way to or from the depot and some days going to and from work she would appear on her high Nellie out of sideroad boreen or gap .
Well isnt this a coincidence shed say as she came at me broadside what a lovely day for a cycle and what a joy to have such good company.
Id be ready to turn my bike into the ditch to get away from her but one look at the briars and nettles waiting to greet me quickly disabused me of that course of action. However bad Matilda is being scraped and stung by briars and nettles was less preferable to putting up with her chirruping.
Todd phoned me to say that she has passed by the depot every morning Ive been away standing on the pedals and craning her head to see if there was any sign of me.
I still havent told the Mother about her I know I mentioned last week that I was seriously thinking of pressing the nuclear button and telling her but Im keeping that option in reserve until things get completely desperate.
As luck would have it the day before I was to return to work in the depot the County Manager asked me if Id represent the council at a conference on rural depopulation in Killarney. Moll Gleeson was supposed to go but pulled out I was glad to oblige it would take me completely out of circulation for a few days and give me time to think. I told the Manager Id be delighted to attend and in a moment of weakness I explained how I was trying to avoid this woman and the conference couldnt have happened at a better time for me.
Maurice says he Im not so sure about this. Are you the right man at all to send to a conference aimed at tackling rural depopulation. A man thats doing his utmost to avoid the mating game is not going to do much for increasing the population.
With all due respects Manager says I neither my good self nor the woman showing a keen interest in me have much to offer in the field of population expansion the future in that regard is far behind the pair of us.
I agreed to go the to the conference Killarney and he agreed to send me despite my poor form in the fertility stakes. I enjoyed the two days in the Kingdom the grub was top drawer fare the social interaction was superb but I slept through most of the proceedings theres nothing like graphs and charts and wellmeaning academics talking in circles to send me to slumberland .
From what I could gather (during the bits where I managed to stay awake) there are too many people of my vintage and that of Matilda Green in rural areas all over Europe with the result that the population is in reverse. If only Matilda could find a reverse gear for herself Id be very happy Im quite content to leave the expansion of the rural population to people with the energy and inclination for it Im gone beyond it.
I took the scenic route home from Kerry in the hope that by the time I got back the heat would be gone out of Matilda and he might even have found another man.
I arrived in Killdicken with a plan in my head to tell the Mother and face Matilda down. When I got to the house things had taken a turn for the bad and they got worse There were more flowers in our front porch than youd find at the Chelsea Flower Show and enough cards to entitle me to shares in the fortune of Helen Steiner Rice .
The Mother greeted me with a smirk. Theres someone somewhere with a bad dose of it for you Im worn from watering flowers for you Its a good job the water charges werent introduced or Id be broke.
Theres something we must talk about says I put on the kettle and well have the tay.
Oh theres fresh tea in the pot says she the latest member of our book club just dropped in with a copy of our book for next week shes in the sitting room Ill introduce you come in.
I followed her in Maurice this is Matilda Green Matilda this is my son Maurice.
Sweet Jesus twould be an ease if God took me.