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Sgt Mattie.

The Late Late Show


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Power 4 Good Ireland
8th Oct 2016

Out For A Stalk

Im still attracting the unwanted attentions of one Ms Matilda Green.

Ill be driven completely out of my mind if someone or something doesnt rescue me from her .
As I told you last week shes retired from the library service in the Dublin or Kildare area and has settled here in the village. She has plenty of time on her hands and from what I can see uses most of it trying to predict my movements on a daily basis . She is very successful in her endeavours because she manages to turn up everywhere I feature often even arriving before me.
Last week Todd at the Depot said that she must have spent most of her library days perusing the Mills and Boon publications but I reckon she spent them in the private eye section Im beginning to think she has my phone tapped.
My big fear is that the Mother will get to notice it. When it comes to women in my life she has two reactions if she likes them she loves them and if she doesnt like them she turns poisonous. I dont know how shell react to the brave Matilda if she takes a liking to her the two of them will drive me from my own home and if she takes a dislike to her the trench warfare will leave the Battle of the Somme looking like a bunfight meanwhile Ill be lost in a veritable nomansland between two warring women.
I complained to Sergeant McKready who told me there was nothing he could do unless she trespassed on my property or made a public nuisance of herself in the course of the courtship.
Courtship I asked What courtship she is in not courtin me Sergeant she is stalkin me. A courtship involves two willin participants I am neither willin nor a participant in this thing I have no more interest in courtin her than I have in courtin you.
Im relieved to hear that answered McKready my wife wouldnt take to kindly to it and the Chief Super wouldnt be too happy to hear I was sleepin with a local councillor.
Who said anything about sleepin with anyone says I.
Im sorry said the Sergeant but nowadays the timelapse between the first date and the first romp in the scratcher is measured in nanoseconds In some cases the latter can predate the former.
Youre no help says I.
Not until she puts a ladder up to your boudoir and tries to climb in the window can I intervene.
God preserve me from that eventuality I said.
Twill be my job to preserve you when things get to that stage says he but if I may say so were I in your position I wouldnt dismiss entirely the notion of openin the window and lettin her in.
Now Sergeant says I.
Hear me out Maurice says he look at this objectively shes around your own age shes obviously a wellread woman and would have a fine pension from the library you could do an awful lot worse than liftin the latch to her.
Sergeant McKready says I'm getting up on my high horse. I brought this to your attention as a matter of security and expected you to act in your capacity as a officer of the law but instead you have suddenly decided to take on the mantle of matchmaker What would your Chief Super make of that.
Hed be delighted his wife passed away two years ago and hes mad for a woman Maybe I should introduce him to Ms Green that would kill two birds with the one stone shed be off your back so to speak and Id have a friend in high places
Unless of course it turned out to be a bad match then hed never forgive you
I never thought of that said McKready in the meantime Ill keep an eye on things insofar as the law permits. However if I were you I wouldnt be spending too much time on a dental examination of this particular gift horse just lie back and think of the pension .
I was sorely tempted to give him a kick in the shin but that would be an assault on a Garda in the line of duty not something a public representative should have on his CV .
Tis worse this thing is getting the forces of nature and the forces of law and order are conspiring with this woman to corral me into a marriage after a lifetime of bachelor bliss. To quote the infamous Lord Denning an appalling vista is opening up in front of me.
I decided twas time to press the nuclear button and tell the Mother With the help of God shell explode I thought Id never have to pray for such a thing.