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Sgt Mattie.

The Late Late Show


Pat is proud to support
Power 4 Good Ireland
24th Sep 2016

Fatal Attraction

Im attracting the unwanted attentions of a certain lady who avails of every opportunity to meet me

Im a nervous wreck thanks to her passion and persistence .
I first came across her at my place of employment the recycling depot on the Drumbarrel road. As you know I work there two days a week under the direction of my wry supervisor Todd and his able assistant The Whip Carey .
One meets all kinds at the depot or the dump as the environmentally uneducated refer to it. We have our regulars our irregulars and our newbies thats The Whip calls new customers He has a soft spot for newbies of the female gender .
These younger ladies get a personalised tour of the facility from him leaving them in no doubt as to the appropriate place for their tetra packs their cardboard boxes their dead batteries and their wasted light bulbs. He will also familiarise them with his reconditioned Volvo and brief them on his country dancing schedule along with his plans for the weekend. They depart the depot with an indepth knowledge of The Whips social habits and his mobile phone number.
While I admire many of our customers at this stage of my life Im beyond any amorous notions. I reckon the sight of me in a highvis jacket flat cap and working boots is not a vision that will excite the romantic juices in anyone. On the contrary it would cause even the swiftest of Cupids arrows to change course.
I enjoy watching The Whip in action some would describe him as a master in the craft of courting but the results dont say much for his mastery half of his bed is still available for occupancy .
Its been a long time since I was the object of anyones affections so long in fact that I failed to recognise that a certain lady customer attending the depot had become besotted with me I thought she was an avid recycler and a keen environmentalist.
Matilda Green the woman in question moved into Killdicken at the beginning of the summer. While she has no direct connection with the place it appears her mothers people came from Cossatrasna. She retired from the library service somewhere in Dublin or Kildare and Todd whose missus is an avid reader of romantic novels reckons Ms Green spent too long in the Mills and Boon section. Indeed Todd was the first to notice that she had taken a shine to me.
That wan never shows up here until youre on duty he said how many times have you shown her where everything goes and yet she comes back again and again askin what shell do with her used body lotion bottles .
Of course the Whip is perplexed as to why I dont respond to Matildas advances Be jaysus if I was five years older says he Id be closer to her than any body lotion.
Shes not much older than you Whip For that matter neither am I I said
Anyway Matilda has become a problem everywhere I turn shes there. For instance I cycle to and from the depot weather permitting I enjoy my time on the bike it gives me an opportunity to daydream do a bit of planning or just clear my head. The other morning I was turning down the Borrinnangoul road when who whizzed up beside me on her high Nellie but the bould Matilda.
Good morning Maurice a lovely day for a cycle.
I wobbled and nearly ended up in the ditch with the fright.
Steady yourself darling says she I wouldnt know how to handle an injured man.
Youd manage it somehow I said Im sure twould be no bother to you.
Oh Maurice says she You overestimate me but I am told I have a good pair of hands All the better to fondle you with my dear ho ho ho.
Jaysus the big bad wolf I knew she reminded me of something.
I love to cycle especially at this time of the day she said its so refreshing.
I do it because I have to says I trying to dampen her enthusiasm.
As we neared the gate of the Depot The Whip passed by in his Volvo giving a big blast of the horn. He was followed by Todd in his trusty Toyota who nearly did permanent damage to himself as he craned his neck to get a good look at us.
The pair of them was waiting at the gate as I wheeled up with Matilda on my tail I dismounted and she pedalled on shouting See you tomorrow Maurice Ill come along again… for the ride ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho repeated the Whip thats what I call steady progress Maurice
Shut up Whip